Like A Hungry Serpent Searching
Stupefied. Speechless. Still am. Received this email just minutes ago.
(UPDATED! See end of post.)
Dear Migs,
I like your site so much. There is so much to know. You really nailed the Filipino gay culture with one blog. It says all. It embodies all. It makes us feel we are so real when everything else in us wanted to hide.
Being one of those men who chooses to hide behind closed doors, who supresses emotions (or hard ons) when it springs up at the wrong moment (if ever all moments were actually wrong), I knew i would be able to make every guy out there feel that someone is as hurting as they are. Well, I definitely am hurting.
I have been raised up as a sunday school kid. I am baptist and as others would tag us; a bunch of conservative hypocrites. True, true. I am, for one a hypocrite. Not that i ridicule the ’sinners’ or what, but then, it is living this life that makes me hypocrite. I knew from the time i was fondled by a lifeguard at a kiddie swimming pool that a man’s touch makes a lot of difference. And it went on and on. Growing up my whole life, that longing to be touched haunted me like a hungry serpent searching for vermin.
But my hypocrisy led me to a life lived in abstinence, and fear of being found out. I worked out to build ‘manly’ muscles, i dressed appropriately, and of course i acted in a lie, spoke with a lie, lived in the lie.
Now in college, i became part of the swimming team. Swimming and pools got a bit fetishy for me so i got hooked with the sport. And in my team is my best friend since high school, Dino.
Compared to me, Dino is lankier, as he skips meals all the time, but still has the bone structure and a staggering 5′8″ that gives an illusion of him as a model. His chinito looks, like i have too, make girls kill themselves to hillbilly heaven whenever he cuts through the water. He is two inches shorter than i am (in height, perverts!) so i pretty get much the attention when we are ‘out of the water’. We don’t hang out that much with the nightlife or campus party stuff and all, but we spend so much time together at home - theirs or ours. We practice swimming at our pool often. We play videogames. We take our girls out. It was the typical college dude life - a bestfriend, a great sport, a girl. I was pretty sure i think the commotion of this college life really got me past my past. I think hiding for almost half my life would give way to the truth, that finally i get to be one straight guy all this time, just in need of the right moment to let it all be what it should. But then i was wrong.
I got closer with Dino. His brotherly ways, his affection and his caring to an extent that I wished he was really my brother. I felt this might lead me back to the past. To that serpent that haunts and never stops. I got hooked with him. The serpent started inching its way back into me. And for the first time, it caught what it wanted. I fell for it. I fell for Dino.
My brotherly love grew into desire, desire grew into more longing and longing was spent all in lust. My stares at him when he speaks was not friendly anymore. I stripped him in my mind countless times, in dreams or in reality. I peeped when he changes in the lockers. I sniff his clothes. I hug him when we are asleep in my bed, with an occasional tug on his privates, a little fondle here and there and a kiss on the head. He wakes up the same old guy. Not knowing what happened, and still trusting the walking lie that was me. He trusted all of me, for he knew not the real me, and kept on depending.
At 2 am one morning, he called up to say that he needed to talk and asked if he can come over. I agreed of course and waited for him. He was terrible when he arrived. He had bruises all over his body and he was crying. When his senses were finally eased, he spilled it all. He got his girl pregnant, and his dad in disbelief hurt him so bad. I was hurt too. But he needed me so i just let him rest.
Then it dawned on me that he is finally leaving me. I realized he is all that makes me feel i am real. That though i was living a lie, i am still alive. I was shaken. I was confused. I envied his girl. I envied him too. I wanted him too bad. Thoughts raced through my mind. Hate, malice and would you believe? Murder. But that wasn’t my style. It was just part of a countless thoughtless thinking. But one thing kept racing on my mind. Rape.
I wanted him so badly that night. I got out, drove my car to a 24-hour drugstore and bought valium. Yes, i really would do this, put him to sleep and do sorts of things unmentionable. I woke him up, and made him drink it. I told him it was pain reliever so he popped two of them.
That night was the most gruesome thing i ever would have imagined doing. I stripped him down, sucked like there was no tomorrow, swallowed, took naked videos of him, cummed in his face and body over and over again.
I cleaned him up and the bed after. I took a shower and lay beside him feeling sated. I kissed him on the nape, gave him a hug and tried my best to sleep the guilt off.
He woked up at about 1 pm, complaining that the meds didn’t work as he felt so spent and tired. I just shrugged and prepared a meal for him. He smiled and he thanked me.
Days passed and word came that the girl had the baby aborted much aginst Dino’s pleading not to. His parents still won’t talk to him. And he’s having a hard time keeping his grades afloat as much as his disinterest to floating in real water. His frequency in coming at home increased. He can’t stop crying and after a talk or two, he can’t stop thanking me for all. He said that if it wasnt for me, he won’t be living still. I was amused i have his attention. But things took a turn for the worst.
He committed suicide. Cut his wrist inside his car. I was shocked. There was no suicide note and his father blamed himself for everything. I mourned his death for days, not knowing who to blame.
Two weeks after his funeral, i arranged all his belongnings that are stashed in my closet. His books, undies, shirts and mags that he kept forgetting to bring back home from his countless sleepovers, and i piled his pictures to a heap, not wanting to see them for it would definitely make me cry again. On one of my shorts he borrowed the last night he slept in my room had a piece of paper tucked in the back pocket. When i read what was in it, i would want to do the same thing he did. Kill myself. The note read:
Dear Kid,
All i told you was true. You are after all my bestbud. Buti at may nakilala pa ako na tulad mo. Pero bakit sa huling sandali ito pa igaganti mo? I trusted you. I was down nung mga panahong iyon. Di ko maintindihan kung ano ba ginawa ko para lahat ng tao sasaktan ako. You are so selfish pala. Iba pala gusto mo. I saw the video. Pain reliever? Liar!
P.S. I won’t kill myself because of Dy (daddy) or Anne. I want you to know that i killed myself dahil sa yo.
Dino
I don’t know what to do. Turn myself in for raping him? Tell his dad? Suicide? I had countless nights that i can’t sleep and it haunted me again, like the serpent as before. Circling me, choking me to my last breath. Yes, i know i would live this way for long. Live in this lie forever.
- Kid
UPDATE: (as of 10:10 AM of Saturday, 15 September, Manila time)
Excerpted from a follow up conversation through email between Migs and Kid:
From Migs:
Hang in there, Kid. Your letter shocked me. But I’m better now. I have asked the help of my readers to give you some of their advise. I will also put my thoughts in once I’ve pieced them together. But for now, try to compose yourself and do nothing drastic, OK? Be well. - Migs
From Kid:
Hi Migs. Thanks talaga. I’m actually ok after i wrote it. It’s like i really confessed to a throng of people. That felt good. Nakahinga ako ng malalim. I’m attending a church now. I think that was the best decision ever. But the thing with this is, the guilt is still there. And, no. I won’t do anything drastic. I already did, trying to drown myself in the pool. Hehe, silly me. But that was a month ago. I just wanted to know how would people react with the truth, so i sent you my story, before i would tell it to someone who could personally help me. - Kid
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September 14th, 2007 at 12:28 am
oh…………..my…………god………..
September 14th, 2007 at 12:57 am
oh my god! i did not expect the ending! i am speechless too!
September 14th, 2007 at 12:57 am
like anton, the words that popped in my head is — OMG! how i wish there’s a button we can push to turn back time =(
September 14th, 2007 at 1:07 am
anlungkot naman ng mga pangyayari. sana fiction lang yan.
September 14th, 2007 at 1:30 am
naguguluhan ako….
September 14th, 2007 at 1:44 am
sheeks! oh dear God!
September 14th, 2007 at 2:00 am
my god
September 14th, 2007 at 2:16 am
wow!
September 14th, 2007 at 2:38 am
i had a moment of silence after reading the post…
one advice: learn to forgive yourself. maybe it will take you years, perhaps even all your life, but the important thing is you know that it will come somehow. matapang ka.
September 14th, 2007 at 3:01 am
I really feel sorry for you and your friend.
With regards to your problem, I don’t know if I can be of much help, but these are a few things that I can say:
1. Let us focus on the cause of your friend’s death. Your friend died because he committed suicide. Let us not forget that while there are gruesome factors that may lead a man/woman into ending his/her own life, ultimately, committing suicide is an action that only he/she can solely make. Nobody else can force you to commit this. If you choose to go down that road, you only have yourself to blame for it. Life is always full of hard choices, but the point is, we always have a choice. A choice to live, a choice to face our problems, as well as a choice to end our own life.
While it is apparent that the reason why he chose to end his life was because of his experience with you, the decision to end his life still came from him alone.
2. Acknowledge your sins against your friend. Based on your story, you have sexually abused and raped him. He was physically and mentally abused by you, and you have to understand the gravity of your offense. Assess yourself. Would you be this bothered and guilt-ridden if your friend never learned about the “crime” and have not taken his own life because of it? The point is, regardless if he is still alive, you have to acknowledge that what you did to him was wrong, and abuse in any form is something that you should never do to anyone. Take this incident as a learning experience. We can still get a good thing out of a bad experience if we’ll actually learn something from it and be a better person because of it.
3. Do you think you have to turn yourself in because of what you learned? I could be wrong but I don’t think you can be sued because of his death because you haven’t murdered him, though you might end up getting sued for sexually abusing him. In this case, I think you can choose an option based on what your conscience dictates you. But I think you should ask yourself this: Why would you turn yourself in? What is your motive behind it? Do you believe this decision would make you feel better? Again, the choice is yours to make. It’s only a matter of picking a bad choice, good choice, or a better choice.
4. At this point, I think psychological assistance can also be of great help to you. Your mind might be too stressed and battered right now, and medical help may help you unloaden your pain and emotional issues better.
Focus on the positive. This is not the end of the road for you. Stay strong.
September 14th, 2007 at 3:09 am
Holy fuck. Napaluha ako dun… Oh God.
September 14th, 2007 at 3:39 am
I feel sorry for you. Hang on. Shit happens. You are not a murderer. You are a victim of a consequence. Look at other side. Life is short but beautiful.
September 14th, 2007 at 4:00 am
hi grabe how sad what happen……
ang hirap ng ganyang sitwasyon but all you need to do is just pray pa lakasin ang loob mo ng Dios dont make pakamatay alam mo naman kung san ang punta nyan as you said you born as a born again christian if i where you get some advice sa pastor mo para maunawaan mo kung ano talaga ang dapt mong gawin…….
September 14th, 2007 at 4:16 am
Dinos’ suicide is a hard pill to swallow. A poignant reminder of what recently happened to me and a straight male-friend. During a drug-tripping incident, I violated his trust. He’s not homophobic but held too much grudge against me. Like Dino he told me why I took advantage of him in time of his depression and vulnerability. He blamed me for being so “selfish” and never talk ever since!
September 14th, 2007 at 6:05 am
jeez… i have a bestfriend… and i’ve been having the hots for him ever since we met… and i’ve had thoughts of doing stuff like that to him… but dang… no thanks… He knows about my sexuality, and we’re still buds… so, i’m fine with just that…
September 14th, 2007 at 6:38 am
ka-afraid ka.
i guess yan ang masama pagpilit natin itago kung ano ba talaga tayo. in trying to be someone you’re not to gain respect and love of the people around you, you end up still alone kasi all this time they don’t know who you really are.
i’m not saying na masama kang tao pero masama nga yung ginawa mo. you did not only betrayed your friend’s trust but also took advantage of his situation.
siguro the best thing to do is start being true to yourself so eventually you’ll be able to forgive yourself. i’ll pray for you that you find the peace that you need.
September 14th, 2007 at 6:41 am
@kid: shocks, i was getting all of my advises and words of comfort as I was reading your letter, but when I reached the ending I was utterly speechless. But this is what I can say… don’t do the unthinkable (suicide), though I can’t even imagine the grief and pain that you might be suffering, but do reach out and find your roots… God’s grace. It would help if you have someone from your congregation, whom you can trust, and just talk and find comfort in God’s love. haaaaay, see wala nako masabi, speechless parin…
@migs: First of all, may I thank you for being who you are… Migs the Manila Gay Guy. Seriously, you’re like God’s gift to the manila gays… kinda like a support group of the anonymous. Thank you migs… may you have all the happiness that you so well deserve.
@MGG readers: hahaha! wala bang MGG grand party dyan??!!#@@
September 14th, 2007 at 6:51 am
Life is a matter of choice. Of our own choice. Or choices.
September 14th, 2007 at 6:53 am
You chose to betray your friend. And risked your friendship. In the end, you lost your friend. What you would do next is still your OWN choice.
September 14th, 2007 at 7:25 am
The hardest and most painful thing is you can no longer say I’M SORRY. Yes, the stigma will live forever.
What will you do? Just like everyone else, PRAY. Ending one’s life is not the solution. Devote yourself to something pious as a sign of your regret and atonement.
To everyone else, a lesson learned. Friendship is not to be converted to lust! Not all share your feelings of lust. Some may misconstrue closeness to gayness. Not because your friend is so intimately close to you that he will give in to your desires of flesh. Respect friendship.
Yes, World Peace!
September 14th, 2007 at 7:26 am
kid, you NEED help! FAST! go get it, really.
September 14th, 2007 at 8:15 am
I’m usually the wordy type, but…
“Oh……my…….god.” That is all I can say, for now.
(Take Joshua’s advise.)
September 14th, 2007 at 8:19 am
totoo ba yun?? pero ang labo ng dahilan ng suicide nya diba? labo
September 14th, 2007 at 8:21 am
pero disturbing yung ginawa mo.
September 14th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Oh my goose!! Tragic!!! Napakasit naman nyan!
September 14th, 2007 at 8:49 am
*napakasakit.. haaay, mali na naman! sorry!
Naalala ko friend ko na may pagnanasa din ako, waaaah!
September 14th, 2007 at 9:06 am
Ganun?!? Sige, assuming na totoong nangyari yung kwento mo-get over it (because however bad you feel you’ll never bring your friend back to life) and get psychological help (and fast). If this, however, is a stunt to gain attention - you are sick and you still need psychological help.
September 14th, 2007 at 9:19 am
I think you need to get a shrink to help you process your thoughts and the guilt feeling that’s eating you up. UP PGH has good shrinks. The OPD clinic is open daily, from Monday-Friday, 7am-4pm. Appointments and inquiries may be done by calling 521-8450 loc 5305.
Help yourself to heal.
September 14th, 2007 at 9:57 am
KID, take Joshua’s advice to heart. ALL OF IT…Seek some therapy. If you find a good therapist, you will get through this. And you are one kind soul, Josh.
And I like Chuchucaracas’ post. Staying in the closet is foolish. All the compounding lies. Who wants to lead that kind of life???
I am just totally blown away by all this.
Remember ya’all - “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”.
September 14th, 2007 at 9:57 am
I agree with what most have said - killing yourself is not a solution. Think about your parents and all the other people you will be hurting. Be strong, you will survive this. Get counselling, because you really need it. I have learned in this life that no matter how bad things are, things will usually get better after some time. Try and deal with this, you can do it!
September 14th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Pardon my skeptisism, but I’m having a hard time believing this.
If this story is real Kid, seek a therapist and do some release work. You can still do a lot of good to society in honor of your friend.
If this is a fake, thanks nonetheless as I’m sure this will come as a good wake up call to the other readers.
I was talking to 2 friends last night who had similar stories of molestation as kids. An adult molesting a kid.
To those who are thinking of doing it, don’t. Because even if your victim doesnt commit suicide, this violation will never be forgotten and will have bruised the person for a very long time.
I have a feeling, 2 out of every 3 gay guys have been molested as a kid…. by older gay guys (closeted or out)
September 14th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I was left speechless there. Oh my God!
September 14th, 2007 at 10:58 am
If this story is true, I can understand why you did it (the rape) I was in the same situation too, and after the many sleepovers I finally did it. He of course enjoyed the moment, but in the morning. the friendship is gone forever. He even told our other friends.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:04 am
geez… i am @ work right now while reading this, na-shock ako sa ending kaya ngaun di ako makapagtrabaho, ayan kase…
pero like from1fagtoanother said, kung totoo ‘tong story na ‘to, well, i feel for you, wala na ‘kong masasabi ’bout that, eh tinatamad nga ako mag-type eh. pero kung fake lang, hmm, okay lang, you made my day!
pero (again), kaya mu yan!
September 14th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Interesting story. Just a few comments:
1. Valium is not an over-the-counter drug. You can’t just go to a drugstore and buy one without a prescription.
2. On a legal note: if you didn’t insert your penis or any other object into his mouth or anus, then it’s not rape. (Check out Republic Act No. 8353). The crime committed was Acts of Lasciviousness punishable under the Revised Penal Code.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:22 am
uhm… why my post isnt showing?
September 14th, 2007 at 11:24 am
You know what? I am very angry after reading this. But I know that this anger won’t take me anywhere. I want to cry right now and mourn, not for your friend, but for you.
My friend, sometimes we do things (that others do not approve of) because we thought that this is the best way out. Lately realizing that that something we did is the cause of our doom. There is nothing more we can do with the current situation. What is done is done. Accept the consequences. This is after all the product of the choice that you’ve made (we always have a choice, It just so happened that we always choose kung saan tayo mas, akala natin, magiging masaya or kung san tayo mas safe).
Forgiveness wasn’t invented for nothing. Ask for forgiveness. Find a way to atone for your sins. Pray. Did you know that prayer is one best things that God has ever devised for humans? This is our way out, we often fail to realize that the answer to our problems is just a knee away. Reconcile with God. Tell him everything that is in your heart. He won’t judge, because the God that we have is the God of love, He is Supreme Bonum meaning He is ALL GOOD. He will listen to you, trust in Him, He won’t fail you, He will give you trials but won’t forsake you.
Free yourself. Past is past. If you already did your part, free yourself. Walang ibang makakapagpalaya sayo kundi sarili mo lang. It will take everything out of you but this you must do.
My friend, I can give you nothing more but understanding. Although I admit na nagalit talaga ako sa post na ito pero gaya nga ng sabi ko, anger won’t bring me anywhere. Cry if you want to cry. Never stop yourself from crying. Reach for professional help if you must. Never abandon yourself, because no one will pull you up except your own. I hope you find peace. May peace be with you. I will pray for you.
P.S. DON’T YOU EVER THINK OF SUICIDE. THAT’S NOT THE WAY OUT!
September 14th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
if you are indeed real, go see a psychologist.
September 14th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
OMG……so sad ang ending…..wala ng magagawa since iniwan ka na nya…might as well continue with your life and try not to do the same mistakes again
September 14th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Bakit ba kasi kinunan pa niya ng video?
It’s the guy’s choice to kill himself regardless of the reason.
Pero he could have talked to this guy first or profess his desire? Lahat naman ng bagay napapagusapan.
September 14th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Kid,
Confess everything to our Almighty God. Accept the fact that you have committed something wrong. Learn to forgive yourself. Seek some advice. I was shocked after reading this. But more than that, I pity you. Remember, you have a choice. Your life right now will depend upon that CHOICE.
BR,
Demon
September 14th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
This is tragedy of great proportions. This gives meaning to the phrase “love kills”.
i am stunned. I actually had tears in my eyes after reading…I think am gonna need some soul searching myself..Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
September 14th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
just remember that u cant ryt a wrong wid another wrong…move forward…i think living with the guilt is punishment enough for the thing that u did…eventually you’ll get over this…
September 14th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Oh my… I’m speechless.
September 14th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Kid,
Committing suicide is not a solution.I thought about that many times. But keep in mind that there’s a lot of people out there who love you, you just don’t know. You have your family who will support you all the way. Don’t blame yourself so much on why Dino committed suicide. People who commit suicide have got some underlying psychological problems. Nadagdag lang yung nangyari sa inyo but he just ended up blaming you. Magulo isip nya that time. It will be better if you will seek some advise, mag open up ka sa taong mapagkakatiwalaan mo. I remain closeted until now, and will die closeted. I am not happy pero minsan kelangan mong i sacrifice ang happiness dahil marami kang pinoprotektahan. Depende sa situation yan kung kelangan mo bang mag out or hindi. Isa lang sa family ko nakakaalam ng pagkatao ko. It’s my bro kaya sabi ko sayo talk to someone that you can trust.Pag nakapag open up ka,mababawsan bigat ng dibdib mo. Goodluck
September 14th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
pareko i was ur confidant & friend, knew all ur secrets. 4 months i gave u space and out of da blue u came back 2me. tried to understand why u tricked & drugged me knowing u been doing this all along, my indiscretion was induced by its effect. & 4 that im trully sorry. im strong enough 2 handle this mistake & hope all the best for you. the vermin on my dream meant to be the ‘kamandag’of our relationship!
September 14th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
jimg29, are you dino or are you kid?
September 14th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
@jimg29: anu yun? ibang story nanaman ba? o nakiki-ride lang? sori, asking lang… ang gulo kasi nung comment mu
September 14th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Kid, it wasnt your fault that Dino killed himself. It was his choice though you were contributory to it.
Dont blame yourself much… move on. You just cant bring Dino back to life again, so don’t waste your life tormenting yourself with what happened.
Be sorry for what you did and that’s it.
September 14th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
oh my god nakakalunkot dpat careful tayo s mga ganyan wag lagng lust ang ipairal sa mga crushes learn from mistakes……
yun lng what a sad story of frendshp
September 14th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
I really have to comment on this one. I usually dont, but this one is just too… … .. …. I DONT EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR IT. OMG OMG OMG!
1.) As I was reading, and as soon as I read the name Dino, a long lost friend came into my mind, who happened to like swimming as well. OMG! sana lang po hindi siya, pero si Dino ba ay taga Cainta, Rizal?? please tell me, I really wanna know.
2.) I’m a Baptist too, and first of all I just want to defend your stance about “ALL baptists being hypocrites: I DISAGREE.” With the exception of you, MAI GOSH, what kind of person could do such thing
3.) Sorry, I don’t mean to be such a hater, but I just feel so angry, and sad from that story. I pray that you find peace, and sana multuhin ka ni Dino para makapag Sorry ka sa kanya, at least.. and SANA.. FICTION lang to, and I hope and hope and hope that Misterhubs’ findings are true, that there is a tendency that this is a make-up story, because the whole thing is just so0o gruesome!!
*BOW*
September 14th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Shock ako sa huli! Akala ko ako lang. Nabasa ko mga reaction shit talaga, fuckshit talaga. Lahat na shock ah!. Akala ko lusot na ginawa nya. Nawala antok ko. Ang dami agad reactions. Natakot ako tuloy mainlove sa straight. Ayoko na. Single na lang muna ako. Thanks kid ang dami namin natutunan. Advise ko sayo. Ask for forgiveness to m and to God. Then get busy, go on with your life. Baka naman FICTION to. Ang galing ng TWIST! Parang common story, pero ala pang guy nagsuicide dahil sa ganun kaya iba talaga. Todo na to.
September 14th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
OMG tlga… i didn’t expect that kind of ending. kala ko magiging kayo na and happy na. yun pala tragedy… dapat kasi itago nag dapat itago.
September 14th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Very disturbing indeed. I do have my share of experiences I wish I could go back in time and delete. One’s trust had been betrayed. Fact 1: what’s done is done. There is nothing we can do about it. Fact 2: you are not the first and only one to do it (Politicians even do it on a daily basis). If you really are truly sorry about it, then carry on, learn from it, and never ever do it again. However, this does not excuse you from making a decision on a moral dilemma between one’s obligation to uphold the truth and the consequence of telling the truth. Since there are no witnesses, it is a life-changing decision only you can make. I suggest you find time for some intensive introspection. Best of luck!
September 14th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
very disturbing indeed..
September 14th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Let’s see.
How would Kid be able to buy Valium just like that over the counter when you need a prescription to buy such drug? And to think that he never expected Dino to come over at 2am in the morning.
And how did Dino see the video? I would think that Kid would do anything from Dino seeing the video, if indeed there is a video of Kid “raping” Dino in his mobile phone. Assuming that Kid left his mobile phone unattended, why would Dino look for something in his phone without Kid even knowing? I know they are bestbuds but a mobile phone is a personal belonging that even the closest friend should be asking permission before searching anything into the mobile phone.
But this is a nice “story”…
September 14th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
@isaribi & @ian: my comment is an open apology to my male best friend, dino and kid’s story happened to parallel my story(sans suicide, thank god!) It’s really cathartic for me reading all your advice. Pls. read thru the whole page, and follow my confession. Can’t divulge any further coz that cobra is slithering thru my blood!
September 14th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
LIKE WHAT D REST HAVE SAID…WALA AKONG MASABI!!! My heart s pounding hard right now while i am typing my blog. Indeed we have different opinions regarding this matter. Wether u r fully responsible for ur friend’s death, what has been done can never be undone, specially “DEATH”. U put urself n an unforgivable situation…but it’s not d end of everything. Did u notice u r stl breathing (hard, i guess-bcoz of d weight of ur sin/crime)? Lie low and be repentant for all these…in no time u will get over them. Like what every one is telling u, go seek some psychological and spiritual guidance…u need them badly. Indeed u cannot right a wrong by making another mistake….SUICIDE is unforgivable and crazy!!! God bless u and may this serve a, yes, “wake up” material to all out there gay or no gay.U must think a lot of times b4 u indulge into something that u might suffer after. u shld have done it by urself nalang sana…talagang nasa huli ang pagsisisi!!! AMEN!!!
September 14th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
I’d hate to say this, but by grace are you saved, not by works. Lest any man should boast.
What can separate us from the love of God?
Kid, if forgiveness is what you seek. You have it.
One kid already died. I hope you would live and instead of spreading hate or hiding or self loathing, give love.
I know what you feel. People entrusted to us to care for that we take advantage of (and I did too, and he’s dead too) are just too heavy to bare.
But I don’t know about you being baptist if you’re as baptist as I am. But if I learned anything from the God I believed in, he tells me, I am his. He knows my name. And he tells me that his banner over me is love.
I am not worthy of this love. Because of the death I too have in my hands. But he says, I love you.
He can forgiv you the hypocrisy. He can forgive you the death.
Just look at Peter and Paul and you tell me if you can’t have the same.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Kid,
If you’re asking me if I have the right to say you’re forgiven, then I say I don’t. But by the power that God gives all who believe, I say you are forgiven your sins.
September 14th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
OMGWTF!!! you shouldn’t have… lust and envy…
September 14th, 2007 at 11:01 pm
wait. i need to breathe. i knew that there was the surprise oh-my-god ending but what i read was far more worse than expected. dear, you need to know na you didn’t kill him. he was emotionally unstable and it was all the things that were happening that concluded to his suicide (his father disowning him, the girlfriend’s abortion and the rape). i know i’m not helping but i just know that i had to make a comment. is this real? parang its so OH MY GOD, outrageous and shocking. i need more time to breathe.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
is this for real?????? shoot. i did some bad things that can be of the same level in my past that countinuously haunt me until now. oh god, i could have killed myself as well everytime guilt gets into me… until i turned to apathy. sicked and sad.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
Yup. It’s me. Thanks Dee but i’m not based in Manila. So a PGH doctor would not be a good idea but i’ll take the advice and call a shrink soon. And Misterhubs, i don’t know why, but Valium is sold here in Cebu. But thanks to all. Your comments made me think i’m really not alone in this. MyYellowShirt, i admit i backslid awhile. But now i’m trying my best to be back in faith (VCF Cebu).
(This comment has been confirmed as really coming from the letter sender, Kid. ~Migs)
September 14th, 2007 at 11:29 pm
NAKAKALOKA!!!!!!
unang una bakit mo naman kasi ginawa yun?
pangalawa panu nya nakita ang video?
ndi nako nagtataka at puro oh my god ang reaxn ng mga tao dito. eh kasi oh my god naman talaga…
pero wag mo na sabihin sa pamilya nya ang tunay na dahilan. dont turn urself in na rin. pero ndi ko rin alam panu mo pagbabayaran ang ginawa mo…..wow… napacomment tuloy ako….whew….
September 14th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
Oh my God! Wala akong masabi…Basta andito lang kami…
September 14th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Have a hard time believing this story. Do they really write “p.s.” in suicide letters? The content is also angry, not the desperate hopeless betrayed suicidal kind of angry, but defensive vindictive angry. It doesn’t seem like the writer would go off to kill himself after writing this note.
- - -
BUT, if this were really true I don’t feel sorry for this ‘kid’ guy and don’t believe this was a “love” story at all. It’s about self-gratification and sex. A turning point in your relationship and all you could think of was screwing him before it’s too late? You not only made a mistake, you commited a crime here. Feeling guilty is merely a kneejerk reaction. You’ll never find your answer here on mgg. You need REAL professional help if you want to save your own life.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
sa totoo lang … ang haba naman at di ko na binasa. at ang mga tumalak kinarir din ang mga sagot. baka masira lang ang weekend ko.
well … kasi di ko nga binasa kaya wala akong masasabi. yun lang!
pass me a shot of ABSOLUT please!
September 14th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
kid, ang sad nung story mu. sorry that i cant b as sympathetic as the others, but u really did wrong. i really think that ur sick and u need help.
i wish ul find a find a way to somehow heal urself. gud luck n lang sau.
mga kapatid wag pamarisan si kid. let his story b a reminder to us. as if being gay is not hard enuf.
September 15th, 2007 at 12:00 am
hey kid,
if this story is true, i just can’t imagine how much your conscience is bothering you right now. Please DON’T ever think that suicide is the solution to your problem. Follow the advice of the people above this comment.
if this story is untrue, congratulations! you’ve caught a lot of attention. you’ve shocked a lot of us. you may consider a career in writing!
September 15th, 2007 at 12:09 am
oh my god. let me just absorb what i read. god.
September 15th, 2007 at 12:53 am
Migs, on further thought: Did you have permission to publish this letter of his on the web? Seems like this email was only meant for you. Who knows how he might react to this and the various unsolicited comments, considering the drama and sensitivity of this story.
—
On the other hand, if he said ‘ok to go’ I’ll be even more suspicious of this now. It’s either just a good elaborate tale or we possibly have an attention-seeking, troubled gay guy out there who needs psych help pronto not only for his sake, but for OURS! as well
September 15th, 2007 at 12:55 am
apologies to express my doubts about the letter. it’s too well written. malinaw ang intro, middle at suprise ending.
doon sa mga magaling magsulat na nagbabasa ng MGG, maari bang malaman ang opinyon nyo?
salamat.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:08 am
to those people who are ACTUALLY giving words of comfort… are you guys crazy?! by saying those words, it’s as if you guys are condoning him!
to KID: if your story is indeed true, you deserve to be feeling that way! He was your best friend, he thought YOU were his best friend, and just when he was at the lowest point of his life, you took advantage of him! instead of helping him get through it all, you let your selfish desires take precedence. You may not be the direct cause of his death, but what you did was a MAJOR factor. habambuhay ka sanang gambalain ng iyong konsensya. And don’t you dare commit suicide. YOU DON’T DESERVE THE EASY WAY OUT.
September 15th, 2007 at 2:00 am
WEIRD
September 15th, 2007 at 2:27 am
Kid your such a talented fiction writer!!! good job
September 15th, 2007 at 3:10 am
Too bad, you’re in big trouble w/ your conscience & that’s for a lifetime.
September 15th, 2007 at 3:56 am
here, here to what jedd said two posts up. It didnt even occur to me that Kid could have made all that up. What could he possibly gain from that?
I’d just rather treat it like a true story. @Kid: suicide is not the answer. I’ve thought of that once too. It’s just not the answer. Email me if you need someone to talk to.
September 15th, 2007 at 4:12 am
This one really gives me the creeps. Yan ang nangyayari kapag you are living with a lie, tapos you contagiate the people around you. Sana kung naging totoo ka lang sistah! You could have a better life and we would not know if he wanted you more than a friend.
September 15th, 2007 at 7:18 am
yung valium ha? he made it sound it’s so accessible.
September 15th, 2007 at 7:34 am
hayan. ang maging bakla is one thing. ang maging rapist is another. and NEVER do they equate to each other. hindi kasalanan ang maging bakla. but forcing yourself on someone is. hindi ka naging masamang tao nuong mapagtanto mong bakla ka. nagi kang masamang tao nuong maging baklang rapist ka.
go get help from a shrink or whoever.
September 15th, 2007 at 7:45 am
kulit ng comment ni anton maton.yung valium nga medyo questionable.hindi kasi inilaborate kung saan sya kumuha ng prescription.hahanapin kasi sa drug store yung S2 number ng doctor.pero mrami ring botika sa pinas ang nagbebenta ng controlled drugs kahit fake ang reseta basta may pamabayad.kahit nga yung pampalaglag na cytotec madali rin mabili
September 15th, 2007 at 8:55 am
what a tragedy! if this is indeed true, this better serve a lesson to all of us to respect friendship and put it above and beyond any other sexual desire we have for our best friend if he happens to be straight.
i am a filipino-canadian living in toronto who has a cuban-canadian bestfriend who is straight. for a long time i had the biggest attraction to him. we would go out and drink til the wee hours of the morning. one time 2 months ago he confronted me point blank if i am gay. i told him the truth and since then he stayed away from me. his family was wondering why i havent been over to visit them and i just said i was busy at work. two weeks ago i received a text msg from him asking to see me to talk and we did. everything is settled now. we might not be the best of friends we once were but we are talking again and for me this is more than enough. we both realized our friendship is important and that respect to one another is the basis of it all. i wont be able to live with myself had i done something stupid that would have caused its break up. i wish him all the best and i know in my heart he wishes me the same.
September 15th, 2007 at 8:59 am
OMG!!!!!!
September 15th, 2007 at 9:17 am
i was researching about valium, and it turns out it doesnot neccesarily cause sleep, drowsiness yes but not sleep. however it is not advisable to person who is depress or suicidal. (just a side note)
September 15th, 2007 at 9:25 am
This is one of d longest comments on a post, and it should be!
hmmmmnnnn…so d person felt abused dats y he killd himself…
Kid, i dont know if you will be able to have d courage to reveal that piece of note to d concerned grieving parties (Atty. hubs, tnx 4 ur legal advice i’ll take dat to heart!).
If it will ease d guilt in your heart, i suggest you do some charitable works and help people in need and pray dat God will be as a loving FAther to all of us (eh, baptist ka nga pala, i would have suggested for you to always pray for d soul of dino and ask his prayers & forgivness, as long as u live….) But life goes on, ….. Love life!
September 15th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Eh bakla ka pala eh. kita mo na down iyong kaibigan mo sarili mo pa ang inisip mo. you deserve to be guilty! you giv gays like us a bad name. How dare you do that to your friend during his desperate times. yes he is right. Kung totoo ito, i do not symphatize with you!
king joke lang ito, nako get a life!!!!!!!
September 15th, 2007 at 11:08 am
shit. parang maupassant fic.
unbelievable.
don’t know what to say.
Console the living?
September 15th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Migs,
Just to add to the skepticism:
“I want you to know that i killed myself dahil sa yo.”
how could Dino write this letter after he “killed” himself? unless the shorts Kid was referring to was worn by Dino when he did the act
copyreading, it should read this way:
“I want you to know that I’ll kill myself dahil sa yo.”
September 15th, 2007 at 11:30 am
i wish empathize with what you are going through right now. the guilt, the sleepless nights, the hurt. i believe it is a wake up call for you, devastating it may seem. Things just happen. but we live in the present and for the future. at this point in your life, there is no use asking “what if?”. it’s “what now?” that matters. easily said than done. i agree with “my yellow shirt” that the all-forgiving God will give you the grace to move on. How? It’s between you and your God. Talk to him. I believe in His loving mercy. Even the worst of events have the best message. Learn form it.
We dont need to see the entire staircase, its enough that we see the first step. There is hope kid. God bless you.
September 15th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Two questions:
1. Have you ever tried to tell him about your feelings toward him?
2. Does he ever had an inkling that your feelings toward him is more than friendship, like those passes that you made, etc?
September 15th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I still don’t believe Kid’s story is true. Hey Kid, you’re a good fiction writer! It seems like I heard this story before as an urban myth, or at least a very similar story. Migs, you might have done some research on this before you published it.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Yeah the delivery sounds too good to be true. Kid is a very good story teller.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE.
THE LETTER SENDER IS IN SORT OF THE REAL SITUATION… A CLOSET AND HAS THIS BESTBUD. BUT THE INCIDENT HAS NOT YET HAPPENED. THAT IS WHAT HE IS AFRAID OF. HE HAS PLANS OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM. BUT HE IS AFRAID OF THE CONSEQUENCES. HOW WOULD IT BE IF THAT WOULD HAPPEN. AND SO HE WROTE THIS FICTION(BASED ON A TRUE STORY) SO AS TO GAIN INSIGHTS, ADVICES AND COMMENTS FROM THE READERS.
WELL, IT’ S GREAT COMPOSITION, I LIKED IT.
NOW YOU HAVE THE OPTIONS TO CONTINUE AND END THE STORY HAPPILY.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Kid updates: “I already did, trying to drown myself in the pool. Hehe, silly me.”
–
“HEHE, SILLY ME?” Are you FUCKING kidding me?!? “HEHE, SILLY ME????” Is this something someone who just not so long ago wrote a desperate confession email would say? “HEHE, SILLY ME???” I call bullshit on this one, or else this Kid is one freaking psychoooo. PSYCHO!
–
My advice for you Kid is just do the hairflip. Yeah girl, the hair flip! If you be having problems cause you drugged your man and did sick stuff and shit while he be sleeping and now he go on and be killing himself, girl, just do the hair flip. It’s the hair flip! Just flip your hair again and again like it’s whatever. It don’t matter, girl. It’s whatever. Do the hairflip and you be cool again. Remember, you’re just one hairflip away from it being A-okhey. Hairflip!
September 15th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
AND OH, DIAZEPAM NEEDS A PRESCRIPTION.
AND YOU HAVE NOT COMMITTED RAPE.
ITS ACTS OF LASCIVIOUSNESS.
September 15th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
terrible, really terrible what you did to your friend….
September 15th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Kung totoong nangyari ang kwentong ito, what a horrible story! Grabe! Shocking!
If this is fiction, ha ha ha, ang galing!
Kung magkahalong fiction at reality, ang galing pa rin. Ha ha ha.
September 15th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Fiction? That’s flattering. And yes, I wish that it was just like that.
(Confirmed as coming from Kid, the letter sender ~Migs)
September 15th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
The story is either flawed or I am just over-permitting my skepticism.
If the story is true, I am sorry that I have posted this comment.
If the story is not true, I am sorry that many were shocked and were saddened by a fiction, but nevertheless, it’s a nice mental exercise for us.
1. Bruised after having received jabs from his father, one may well sneak out rather than invite a friend home where the father will not permit him receiving visitors who will know that he has been hurt. He brought a car to Dino’s house, then the father knew that Kid arrived.
2. When a loved one is in a state of depression, the loving person’s focus (on the assumption of normal state of mind) is on sympathizing. And on the magnitude of unhappiness, libido will be sedated until sympathizing ends.
3. A person who has just taken Valium, and who has been drowsed by the drug can not be aroused due to anxiety. Unless the prostate gland is touched, erection is not possible. Or in a relaxed (which is quite improbable) REM state, where unconsciously there can be erection. Inferring that the friend did not realise that he was raped, then it can be assumed that his friend did not touch his prostate gland. Therefore, the circumstances shown above is flawed.
4. Suicide, usually is committed by people who are unhappy. Anger, being a catalyst of bio-chemical surge in the body, will most probably be manifested by a concrete sharp actions, rather than by a subtle act of aversion. In the letter, where stated a derision, it can be assumed that there was anger from words of bitter ironies.
5. If on the day after sedation by drug, he did not realise that he was raped, he can not assume direct evidence that the drug he took was not a pain-reliever, the days following that night. But on the letter, he questioned the drug, and concluded that it was not by saying “liar”, but on what premise? Just because of seeing the video, he can infer rape, again on what premise? Just because he was asleep and restless? Suspicion is different from believing your belief must be true.
What was there in the video? Was there a macabre to formulate inference and commit suicide? A little touch here and there = suicide ?
6. “…commplaining that the meds didn’t work as he felt so spent and tired…”
I guess this is a direct attempt to make the circumstances more cohesive and coherent, as a fiction writer will do. But why will Dino expect his sleep be so resting? Was he told that it was a sleeping pill? Not because you took pain-reliever will you expect a direct effect to your so sound sleep. So, this is a flawed statement viewing the story in its entirety.
If this is a fiction, this is not a good fiction. This is just interesting. The narrator’s tone do not depict the sentiment of the character. The personal integrity, if indeed a dictated account, is lax.
If you loved someone, and he died because of having developed a grudge against you, will you write the words “cummed in (on) his face”? unless you feel indifferent about what has happened, then you may.
Again, the story as a whole, can be more acceptable as a dictated account or narrated fiction. If the author really feels the character, and claims that they are one and the same, then it is stranger than fiction, but non necessarily non fiction.
For my own peace of mind, I believe that the story is not true.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
Cancel item number 5 above, it’s a non sequitur. I thought the video was made on one of the sleepovers. But then again, during the act of rape, will you video yourself sucking? or will you video your cum squirting on your depressed friend’s face? is it comfortable stretching your one hand while being so into the moment?
While all other premise above are assumed to be true, then this correction may not be necessary.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
so there u go kid, you got our f*cking attention b4 consulting professional help, i hope ur happy, next time u cry wolf no more than 100 responses would be needed, we would just send you directly to loonie bin, silly me!
September 16th, 2007 at 12:32 am
you’ve been had.a person sedated on valium can’t have an erection, can’t ejaculate, therefore, nothing to swallow. kid had a good laugh on your behalf.
September 16th, 2007 at 1:21 am
“If you loved someone, and he died because of having developed a grudge against you, will you write the words “cummed in (on) his face”? unless you feel indifferent about what has happened, then you may.”
- dowell
I totally agree. Kid seems detached while narrating the story, like he was just a spectator jotting down notes with an exhibitionist flair.
September 16th, 2007 at 7:40 am
with more than a hundred reactions already on this issue … Tyra Banks eloquently summarizes ang maipapayo ko ….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylPqlrBoyRY
(warning: intended to lift the darkness, so if you want to stay somber, don’t watch).
September 16th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
kid is a full blown psychotic fiction writer.. Silly you! Hehehe!
September 16th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
MMK ba yun? Nagulat ako dun.
September 16th, 2007 at 9:09 pm
That’s why I don’t trust the same kind anymore…Others tend to become maniacs and perverts after all.
Sad to say but that’s the cause of your immoral act to the unconscious.
September 16th, 2007 at 10:52 pm
fiction or not…the moral of the story is…..there is nothing wrong with being gay, no matter how hard
September 17th, 2007 at 3:27 am
i really think you should see a professional.
i had a lot of issues myself—albeit of a lesser magnitude. issues nonetheless.
been getting professional help for sometime now.
and its had wonderful results.
i think you owing upto the offense to yourself is enough.
i dont think it would help anyone if you owe upto it publicly.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:59 am
Hudas, Barabas, Hestas! Why…oh…why!
Sorry, but I can’t stop feeling betrayed. Imagine, your best friend, to whom you’ve entrusted everything, betrays you! Binaboy pa!!!
Gosh, talagang, oh my GOSH!!!
Can’t really purr right now………. sob sob sob!
September 17th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Mabenta to ha! Daming comments! Hindi kaya kapatid din to ni Aling Charing na kapitbahay ni Aling Chabebe?!
September 18th, 2007 at 2:11 am
oh my god… that was a terrible thing to do…
September 18th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
bestseller man ang sulat na 2. di kaya may nabasa lang c Kid na libro na gani2 ang story tapos gusto lng nia makuha ang reaction ng mga readers d2. Nagtataka lang poh kc me, parang mahirap paniwalaan ang ginawa ni Dino.
September 18th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
I THINK THIS IS A HOAX. PERIOD.
September 19th, 2007 at 12:39 am
oh my God! your story is very disturbing, fiction or not, this will haunt me for a very long time. i was hoping for a happy ending but it ended tragic. kid… you need professional help.
learn from it and let it go
September 19th, 2007 at 10:54 am
ang daming loop holes sa story…….
tsk…tsk…tsk…
haLatang work of fiction lang ang lahat…
nakaka-awa naman sa mga kapatid nating BAPTIST at nadawit pa cla sa istoryang toh…
September 20th, 2007 at 1:50 am
impressed naman ako sa analysis ni dowell.
September 20th, 2007 at 11:47 am
My rational mind keeps telling me that this is a genuine story; from somebody na nangangailangan ng tulong, at least, mapaghihingahan ng sama ng loob. Pero ang problema ko, matapos ko siya basahin ng apat na ulit, wala akong “maramdaman”. I’m not saying that this is a hoax, pero may ilang bagay na hindi tugma sa mga dapat mangyari, sa normal na takbo ng isang kwento, tunay o likhang isip man. May mga bagay na universal ang katotohanan, halimbawa, pag one plus one, alam natin ang sagot, at pare-pareho yon sa iba’t-ibang lenggwahe. Basta may nawawala sa “equation” ng kwentong ito at hindi ko yon mawari for the meantime. It could be na ilang details ay tinanggal (ang story editing ay isang maselang trabaho) kaya lumabo ang story.
But be that as it may, sine-share ko ang isang comment na ang suicide ay may malalim na pinag-uugatan. Pwedeng sobrang masakit na karanasan na dinanas sa mahabang panahon pero normally ay medyo weak ang personality ng gumagawa nito, maliban sa mga kaso ng sobrang activism halimbawa sa south korea na sinisilaban ng ilang rallyist ang kanilang sarili para bigyang din ang kanilang political statement; ganito rin ang dahilan ng mga muslim extremist.
Mahirap din paniwalaan na after you’ve been raped, magpapakamatay ka. Ang normal na reaksyon ng isang rape victim, based sa mga experience ng clients namin sa NGO na pinapasukan ko, babae at lalake, ay to seek vengeance, active vengeance, meaning, gusto nilang gawin ang bagay na ginawa sa kanila ng perpetrator. And its normal, kasi, pano ka makakaganti kung patay ka na? Yong iba naman, escapist, they refuse to talk about it, even deny it. Kaya malamang, nagpakamatay ito sa ibang dahilan, kaya hindi dapat ma-guilty si Kid. Kinuwento ko ito sa dalawang gay Psychologist friend ko and they are united sa kanilang analysis, ayoko nga lang sabihin kung ano kasi it wont help sa kaso.
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:03 pm
it’s Dino’s fault… why would he commit suicide? it’s like committing a sin also, he should’ve consulted you with the problem he had. i thought you were best buds but then again, it seems inappropriate to not to face those problems he had…
OMG talaga ako sa una, at di pa ako makapaniwala dun sa unang beses kong binasa yung letter.. parang nag divert lang sya ng attention… ah basta nakakainis yung pag suicide nya, now hes blaming you after what he have done.. don’t feel sorry, just because your gay eh nasaktan mo ang buong pagkatao nya…
hay josko, makapag tablita na nga lang ng alaxan.. kaloka kwento mo ha!
September 24th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
STILL A HOAX.
October 21st, 2007 at 3:10 am
HOAX story… the logic isn’t good… my 1st course- psychology(ateneo de manila & naga) & my 2nd course is nursing (st. mary’s)… one of the cornerstones i can say against the story is that VALIUM is not an over- the- counter drug meaning di ito madaling bilhin unless u have the prescription… albeit, the indication of valium sa story is right…
October 21st, 2007 at 3:46 am
generic name of valium is DIAZEPAM..
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Napuyat ako sa kakabasa ng coments Bestseller tong post na to!